I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
