i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
