bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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