mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
