So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The economy isnβt reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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