I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
