We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
