Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
