Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You can't special order awesome
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i think i just lost a toe
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
