Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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