at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i've created a new STD.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
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