If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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