Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
