Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
