i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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