There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
