babies were throwing up all over the place
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
