All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
