I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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