If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
This is my life. Enjoy the view
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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