Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize