how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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