I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
