I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
