he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
