Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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