I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
