thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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