Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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