Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
