Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
