I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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