she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
