Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
