She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Randomize
