I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
