You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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