Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
