I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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