I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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