Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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