Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
