i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
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She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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