So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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