One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Do vagina's smell?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
