Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
