Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?