dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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