I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
