oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.