i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.