i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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