the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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