my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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