My nipple is on Facebook.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish you could order shots online.
this just has baby written all over it
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
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