3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
