Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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