I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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