Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
