why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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